Hi there folks:
It's Friday and time to plan your weekend. Fortunately the Independent makes it easy for you this weekend, with back-to-back beer and cocktail events on Friday and Saturday respectively.
FRIDAY: IRON BREWER: BATTLE MANGO
Food Network Reality-TV Styled Promo: [Awful Timpani-heavy, militaristic music plays in background.] "Three Western PA breweries arrive for battle at the Independent, each armed with a pin firkin of a beer of their choosing, cask conditioned with a SECRET ingredient. One of these honorable competitors will leave victorious, and you, fair drinker, shall decide their fate by casting your vote." [Oddly athletic Japanese man bites bell pepper, does back flip, reinforces stereotypes]
Less dramatic, pragmatic promo: We're thrilled to have Full Pint, Lavery, and Rivertowne join us for a night. We'll have three pin firkins on the bar, one from each brewery, each using the not-so-secret ingredient, mango,* as an additive when the beers were conditioning. You can buy by the glass, or you can buy a $12, 7 ounce (each) flight of all three, and cast your vote for the winner. At the end of the night, we'll drunkenly and corruptly tally the votes, and announce a winner.** Or we'll get drunk, forget to do all that, and give every brewer a Tiki umbrella as a trophy, as each brewer tells the other two brewers that their beer is way better than his (but secretly maintains that his beer is better).
All ties will be settled by determining which brewer can drink three IC Light Mangoes the fastest WITHOUT*** vomiting for 10 minutes thereafter.
SATURDAY: GIN JAM WITH ADAM
On Saturday, Adam goes English all over your ass with a night of gin-forward cocktails paired with my favorite selections of British rock and new wave records.
In Adam's typical style, he's not resting on the many gin classics he could pull for this evening. Instead, he'll be using vacuum siphons and reinventing his own off-menu drink, "The Sex Panther" -- 60% of the time, it works every time.
If you're a gin drinker, and you ought to be, this night is right up your alley. If you're not a gin drinker, then I believe that Adam can correct this highly offensive flaw in your personality, if you'll only give him a chance. If you still don't like gin after trying these drinks, I'll be sure to play some extra whiny Morrissey records for you.
SUNDAY: GONE TAILGATING
Yes, yes -- I know that we only JUST started regularly opening on Sundays, but spring weather, a really busy winter (thanks for that, by the way), and the siren's call of cold beer in an outdoor setting is just too tempting for us to resist. Sunday we're closed for a Staff Pirates game. Don't worry, though -- we'll be back open next Sunday from 3-8 p.m.
Ok, guys. Good talk -- I'll see you out there.
* "M[a]ngo only pawn in game of life"
** True Story: Tim from our welding department (did you know that we have a welding department), is going to weld a trophy.****
*** Critical caveat.
**** Story not actually 100% true, but it does contain kernels of truthiness.